Being a care leaver: marriage

We are very proud to offer you this story from one of our care leavers. Suraj, an orphan, lived under our care and protection for many years and here he shares his unique perspectives of the impact growing up in an institution. We are increasingly working to understand the impact of growing up outside a traditional family structure has on young people so we can do better. While we strive to create a loving and secure home for orphans and other children entering the care system, we know we can never provide the same security and development that comes from growing up within a family structure.

In a recent survey, our care leavers identified the struggles they experience in finding a marriage partner. In a society where family is heavily involved in the process, we appreciate hearing Suraj’s views and thought you may be interested to understand them also. Rest assured we are now working to help all of our care leavers find loving partners.

We hope you agree Suraj has written a truly eloquent and open account of his challenges and realities of growing up as an orphan and it will help all of to appreciate a little more of the struggles our care leavers face when transitioning back into society.

You might wonder why I’m writing this — to understand, you need to know me first

Hi, I’m Suraj, a 25-year-old IT executive based in Mumbai. If I were to describe my life as a story or series, the one that mirrors it most closely would be Naruto. Like the titular protagonist of the anime, my journey has been defined by struggles, moments of profound loneliness and an unwavering pursuit of resilience.

Naruto’s childhood was far from ordinary. Burdened with the Nine-Tails demon fox sealed within him, he was ostracized by his village. The loss of his parents only compounded his pain, leaving him as an outcast. Children were forbidden from playing with him, and adults avoided him altogether. His isolation wasn’t just external—it seeped into his very identity, forcing him to confront questions no child should have to face: Why am I hated? What have I done to deserve this?

As I reflect on my own life, I find a striking resemblance to his story. Born with a lifelong and misunderstood condition, I too endured the sting of exclusion. Growing up, I often grappled with the same relentless questions: Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why am I treated so differently? These thoughts echoed in my mind like an endless loop, particularly in moments of solitude. They magnified the loneliness I felt and deepened the confusion of being judged for something beyond my control.

But just as Naruto found hope in his mentors—Kakashi Hatake and Jiraiya, I found mine in two places: my sister and Snehalaya. Snehalaya became my Jiraya, giving me the hope, support and direction I desperately needed to rewrite my story.

Snehalaya was a sanctuary for me, a place where I realised I wasn’t alone. It introduced me to a community of individuals who, like me, carried their own burdens yet continued to fight. For the first time, I felt understood and accepted.

There, I found purpose. I threw myself into education and activities, discovering not only a love for learning but also the joy of building connections. Slowly, I started to see a future for myself—a future where I wasn’t defined by my condition but by my determination.

I completed my education at Snehalaya and, with their guidance, stepped out into the real world. Leaving that safe haven was daunting, but it was a necessary step in my journey.

Living with roommates during that phase of my life offered profound insights into relationships and human connections. I observed how marriage and partnerships reshaped the lives of my friends. Some found joy and stability, while others grappled with unexpected challenges. Ironically, although I wasn’t in a relationship myself, I became a trusted confidant, a listener to their stories, struggles and dreams. Life had been my greatest teacher, shaping my perspective through relentless lessons in empathy and resilience.

After that period, I moved to Pune in search of growth and opportunities. There, I worked at a bookstore called Crossword, finding solace in the world of books and ideas. I vividly recall an evening when I stumbled upon a self-help book about resilience. Its words felt like a direct conversation with my soul, igniting a spark that would guide my self-improvement journey.

However, health complications led me to relocate to Haryana, to live with my sister and her family. Their love and support made me feel truly valued, as though I’d found a home away from home. Yet life, in its unpredictable way, kept me moving. I journeyed through various places—Pune, Haridwar, Gujarat—each step driven by the pursuit of better opportunities.

Eventually, I found myself in Uttarakhand Roorkee, where I began working as a logistics supervisor, I climbed the ladder and became an IT executive in three years. My time there was transformative, thanks to a mentor who became a pivotal figure in my life—Amit Kumar Saini. He wasn’t just a teacher; he was my third Guru, guiding me as if I were his younger brother. His family, too, embraced me with open arms, showering me with love and kindness.

For a time, I believed I had found a place where I could settle permanently. But, as always, life had other plans. Due to personal reasons, I had to leave Roorkee and move to Mumbai, starting afresh once again. Returning to my family home, where my parents once lived, was an emotional journey. It had taken me 19 years to return.

In Mumbai, I resumed working, but by 2023-24, I found myself battling familiar challenges: loneliness, frustration, anxiety and depression. Personal struggles weighed heavily on my mind, threatening to pull me down. Yet, I have always been a quick learner. Books once again became my refuge, transforming the way I viewed life and inspiring me to work on myself.

It was during this period of introspection that the idea of marriage began to take root. Deciding to get married wasn’t easy for me—and perhaps it isn’t easy for you either. I am writing this article because my thoughts on marriage are deeply rooted, and I want to share them with others. I am someone who values deep emotions and cherishes every relationship in life. My childhood experiences and life events have shaped a unique perspective on marriage, and I wish to share it with others.

Marriage: A Deep Reflection Beyond Traditions

Marriage seems like a simple decision, but it is far from easy. It’s not just another stage in life; marriage is profound and meaningful. It’s not a childhood game of playing with dolls or a cinematic love story. In reality, it’s much deeper and significant.

Marriage is not a carefree trip with friends, where everyone enjoys a few days and then returns to their individual lives. It is a lifelong partnership—a journey where two individuals share not only happiness but also responsibilities, struggles, and growth. It’s about being there for each other during good and bad times, understanding each other's needs, and evolving together. Like any valuable journey, marriage requires courage, trust, and a bond to face challenges together.

Marriage isn’t about fleeting joy; it’s about building a life together, one brick at a time, creating a foundation of love, respect, and stability. It’s not just about moments of happiness but also about laughing, playing, and standing by each other through all of life’s ups and downs.

What Marriage Means to Me

I am writing this article because my thoughts on marriage are deeply rooted, and I want to share them with others. I am someone who values deep emotions and cherishes every relationship in life. My childhood experiences and life events have shaped a unique perspective on marriage, and I wish to share it with others.

For me, marriage is not merely about following traditions or living under one roof. It is about finding someone who feels like home. Someone who understands the parts of you that you may not fully comprehend yourself. Someone with whom you can be your true self, without wearing any masks.

Having lost my parents at a young age, I experienced growing up with loneliness as a constant companion. However, this taught me the value of unwavering connections. It taught me that what truly matters is the bond that keeps us connected, no matter what.

Marriage, to me, is more than just a relationship—it’s a promise. It’s about choosing each other every day, even during the toughest times. It’s about creating a space where you can be your authentic self, free from judgment. A space where you can openly express your vulnerabilities, fears, and hopes.

Despite my fear of losing loved ones, I see marriage as an opportunity to overcome this fear. It is a bond where two people live together—through joys and sorrows, chaos and magic. Hand in hand, supporting and strengthening each other, navigating life’s path as one.

The Changing Winds of Indian Marriages: Tradition, Modernity, and Global Appeal

In India, marriage is deeply rooted in cultural, religious, and social values, making it a significant institution. However, over time, the meaning and practices of marriage have undergone significant transformations, reflecting the growing emphasis on individuality and personal freedom in the modern world. Let us explore the essence of traditional Indian marriages, the changes they have witnessed, and what marriage means in today’s context.

Traditional Indian Marriages: A Sacred Bond

In traditional Hindu society, marriage is not merely a contract; it is a sacred bond (samskara) that unites two individuals for life. According to Hindu philosophy, marriage is one of the most significant duties of an individual, symbolizing a lifelong partnership not just between two people but also between their families.

Marriage is considered a spiritual journey, a commitment that transcends one lifetime and extends to seven lifetimes. This belief is expressed through the sacred seven vows (saat phere) exchanged during the wedding rituals, emphasizing fidelity, mutual respect and shared responsibilities.

Traditionally, Indian marriages focus on uniting families rather than just individuals. They strengthen social bonds, create alliances, and ensure the continuity of family traditions. In these setups, gender roles were often defined, with men as providers and women as nurturers. Women’s sacrifices were glorified, and a wife was expected to prioritize her husband and in-laws over her own desires.

Strict societal norms governed marriages, with caste and religion playing a crucial role. Inter-caste or inter-religion marriages were largely opposed, prioritizing the "purity" of cultural traditions. Divorce was almost unheard of, and social pressures ensured that couples stayed together, regardless of their happiness.

Modern Indian Marriages: A Shift in Perspective

Today, the meaning of marriage in India, especially in urban areas, has undergone a significant shift. While some traditional values persist, modern marriages increasingly emphasize personal choice, equality, and mutual respect.

Marriage is no longer just about fulfilling societal expectations but about love, companionship, and mutual understanding. Couples focus on compatibility and shared goals rather than merely adhering to family or community pressures. Love marriages are becoming more common, and even in arranged marriages, individuals have more say in choosing their partners. Inter-caste and inter-religion marriages are gaining acceptance, particularly in metropolitan cities. Same-sex relationships and cohabitation, though legally complex in India, are gradually finding their place among the younger generation.

Despite these progressive changes, the question arises: What about live-in relationships? Couples who live together for years and later decide they are incompatible challenge traditional notions of commitment. This raises questions about the depth of human relationships and the importance of emotional bonds over convenience.

Tips for a Happy Married Life in Today’s Era

Marriage in today’s world comes with its challenges, but a happy married life is possible. Here are my tips for modern couples:

• Open Communication: Talk openly about your dreams, fears, and feelings.

• Work as a Team: Face problems together and support each other’s goals.

• Spend Quality Time: Take breaks from work and screens to stay connected.

• Respect Independence: Encourage each other’s personal growth.

• Compromise: Find solutions that work for both of you.

• Keep the Spark Alive: Celebrate small moments and keep doing things that made you fall in love.

• Manage Finances Together: Plan budgets and future goals collaboratively.

• Practice Forgiveness: Let go of grudges and focus on moving forward.

• Limit Technology: Avoid distractions and dedicate time to each other.

A happy marriage today is about balancing traditions with modern values. It’s not about perfection but about building a meaningful life together.

Conclusion

Marriage is one of the most important decisions a person has to make it, therefore, calls for a lot of thought and understanding. Most people view marriage as an escape from loneliness or a bridge to improve their status. Viewed through conversations with friends, observations of others, and self-reflection about my feelings, I realize that marriage, for now, is not the road I wish to go down. Hence, this choice does not amount to rejecting the idea of marriage--it means that I embrace the thought of working on myself before committing to a lifelong partnership.  

One particular challenge I face is the absence of traditional family support. Without parents to help me find a partner, I've often wondered how to navigate this situation. While my sister and organizations like Snehalaya have been incredibly supportive, I know many others in similar situations struggle with this as well. Numerous young individuals from Snehalaya, now preparing to enter the workforce, encounter the same difficulty of finding a marriage partner without the family networks that society often deems essential. For me, Snehalaya is more than just an organization; it feels like family, a source of hope and belonging. When the time comes for me to marry, it will be this extended family that I will rely on to fill the gaps left by traditional support.

A Message of Gratitude

Thank you for reading this article. Sharing my thoughts and experiences on marriage has been a fulfilling experience for me. I hope this article offered you some insights and food for thought. May these reflections help you find happiness and success in your married life.

I would love to hear your thoughts on my article. Once again, thank you!